Halvah Nagila

  Sometimes the old stuff is the best , so here flies with an awesome old-school candy that you can do yourself so easily you might never go to halva.com again . There are thousands of versions of this sweet stuff that range from almost cloying to savoury , but this one is what most people are thinking of when they crave . This is not quite as sweet as commercially made halvah because there is no refined sugar , but you'll dig it. Makes a TON .

Yummo halvah for those who dont't have tahini handy

Get a pot and toast 6 cups (!) of sesame seeds until lightly brown and fire them slowly into a blender until reasonably smooth . Ta da! You have a reasonable approximation of tahini paste. Set aside

Grab the old spice grinder and pulse together roughly a teaspoon of allspice , half a cinnamon stick , and a one inch cube of ginger . Add to the brew with 1 1/2 cups of honey . If you don't do the bee vomit thing , use maple syrup and give it a bit of North American flavour .

Make sure the brew is mixed well and spread into a pan. I line mine with parchment paper for easy removal . Refrigerate until quite solid and munch out  ; OR

Get out a double boiler (you can make your own by using a glass bowl over a few inches of water in a pot) and melt a bar (100g) of decent quality dark chocolate .Let sit for about a minute and drop squares of the chilly halvah into the chocolate and roll into chopped walnuts or pistachios . Allow to sit for 15 minutes and make your guests into housemates .

Addiction is ... chocolate nut halvah

Side Dishes From Heaven

I have been having a lot of personally crappy days , but I'm trying not to be a bitch about it and maybe even stop being so fucking serious at work before I fucking kill someone . Anywho , for those of you who don't know me well , I love to cook and it's my choking-the-fucking-life-out-of-Tardog prevention therapy .

Here's my menu for the evening . So easy a roofer can do it , okay maybe not Tim . Yes , this will provide many uses for the SlapChop or Magic Bullet your mother gave you and you can make this stuff while tending to your protein choice .

Baked Sweet Potato Squash to impress , um , someone

Find Sweet Potato Squash (or Acorn , or whatever) and wash it well . You don't have to peel the tips off of your fingers .

Cut off both ends (toss these)and cut the rest in half lengthwise without adding any extra protein to the board.

Remove seeds and cut into chunks . You can get artistic here and don't forget to get your oven happy at 210C (400ish Fahrenheit)

lightly crease a pan of somesort with oil, butter , or your sister's hair gel and set squash stuff in there . This may vary in size due to how hungry you are .

Try to peel a one inch cube of ginger and cloves of garlic . Put in spice grinder or beat with a fairly clean shingle hatchet and add to pan along with 1 tbsp brown sugar and some salt and pepper. Add 1/2inch of water for the steam action .

Toss the squash in the works and try not to get too much on the floor . Cover the pan with foil and pray for 20-30 minutes . After it is somewhat tender , reseason , oil and bake until yummy . You can also add brown sugar and/or nutmeg here or oilive oil and oregano , both are awesome!

Get On The Spuds while You wait

Peel a bunch of russet potatoes and then chop into decent sized cubes .

Boil in a large pot with a few inches of water as well as some salt and pepper . Yes , you have to season the water , it's just better that way Boil slightly unovered until near tender . while you are doing this , you can chop finely 1/3to1/2 an onion and saute until pretty as well as puree 2 cloves of garlic and set aside .

Boil spuds until quite tender but not soupy . This may take a few efforts to perfect before you try to impress that hottie or your mama .

Remove most of the water (you can save it as a cream soup base) and turn off the heat but keep pot on hot element (reduce to very low if you have a gas range or are using a camping stove) .
Add the oinions and garlic as well as 1/2tsp dried oregano , 2-4tables butter or margarine and 2-4 tables milk or sour cream . (I'm doing the vegan thing . you don't have to)

Mash until they are perfect .

So many people buy expensive and tastless side dishes filled with bad carbs (spuds are not ) and fat and they don't have to . Lipton's Sidekicks are crap and we all know it and these things take about the same amount of time out of your life , which is amazing since you need this good stuff in your life .

I'm serving this with maple-beer veggie sausage but both go well with corned brisket or anything . They are also good comfort (read stoner snack) food all by their lonesome .

Okay , I'm starving now.

Vegan Cholent and Biscuits ? YES Way!!!

I love food . Food is the blessing that united poor families in days gone by , everything scratch made , no Betty Crocker in sight . No matter how hard your work was , you could count on a belly full of nourishment as a reward for your toil . In our prepackaged world , the ability to create has been stifled everywhere , but no place has felt the sting of modernity quite like the kitchen . Those of you who were raised on Swanson's and McCain's offerings , have no fear - you can bring the sing back into your tastebuds and impress your family , and here's how .

The Main : Mad Cholent

Step 1 : Get out a big ass pot and get it hot
Add some fat - butter,margarine,olive oil , back sweat , use whatever you have
Get a rockin sizzle and add:
1/2 to a whole onion
3 scallions
6 cloves garlic
2 carrots
3-5 small chopped up spuds

Get the mess glossy and add a bucketful of water , and to this add
3 tbs pepper
1 tbs salt
1 tbs dried oregano
2 teas dried mustard
3 bay leaves
1 chili pod
2 teas smoked or hot paprika
1/2 cup marrowfat peas
1 cup cannelini beans
1/2 cup pinto beans
and garbanzos if you wish . Substitute if needed

Cook forever . At least 6 hours in a crockpot or stove will do . Lats for eons . Better the next day .

The Side : Holy Shit It's Granny's Biscuits

You can multiple this for the big fessers in your life.
First you can get some onions , chives , mushrooms goin in a skillet . They will be needed later.

Mix this shit with a fork and then your paws

2 cups or more flour
1 teas Hyssop (or some other green shit)
1 teas dried oregano
1 major teas baking powder
1 level tea salt
2 teas sugar
1 cup milk , buttermilk , soya stuff , whatever you got

Get er happy then mix in the sizzled stuff with your paws and turn out onto floured countertop . (cause I know NONE of you have a bread board)
Cut into whatever shapes you want . Rounds work , but sometimes I braid mine into micro-Challahs .

The important part - put in UberHot oven (450-500) on an UNGREASED sheet and bake for around 12 minutes or until you can't take it any longer.

OK , I gotta eat!

Secret Weapon : Ras El Hanout

Ras El Hanout basically means "head (as in the top) of the shop" for lack of a better term because it's basically all of the best spices one has on hand in one mix up . Everyone who doesn't have an old Moroccan souk handy mixes their own , and there can be a zillion different things in it , including some very intoxicating and illegal ingredients . Most of the blends are closely guarded secrets , but I'm nice enough to share mine . One can add this to meatballs , tagine (in all of it's forms) , couscous , or rub down a roast and you will experience something truly awesome . Even tofu or a veggie kebab will sing (probably "thank G-d I have flavour!) when given a dusting of this magnificent concoction. I periodically alter this , but this is generally the combination .
(Please" , for me , don't use it as a pork rub , no matter if you see it in an online recipe . It's an insult to those who use it daily. )

These quantities are approximate as I use the palm-and-eyeball method

Oh , and don't use all of this in one dish . It won't kill you but I don't want to be responsible if it does. You can infinitely multiply this

1 table Turmeric
1 table Celery Seed
1 table Ground Coriander
2 teas Standard Paprika
1-2 teas Hot (or Smoked) Paprika
1-2 teas Cumin (pre-ground or DIY)
1-2 teas ground Nutmeg
1-2 teas mustard powder
1-2 teas Ground Ginger
1 tea Black Peppercorns (grind if you like)
1 tea chili powder
1/2 to 1 tea Ground Cloves if you aren't going to grind your own

Get out your spice grinder and pulse

1 Star Anise
1 stick Cinnamon
2 Dried Small Red Chiles
1 tablespoon Pickling Spices
1-2 teas Hyssop (Hyssopus Officinalis , available at heath food stores because it cures everything . You could substitute Thyme if you are lazy)

At your discretion , grind a few Cloves and the seeds from a Cardamom and fire it in the brew . I have also been known to put Lemongrass powder , Garam Masala or Saffron into this. If you have Lavender growing around your crib , you can dry it and add it too .

Keeps for at least a month . Do NOT store this or any spice within 3 metres (10 feet) of your stove if you can help it . It turns them wimpy fast .

What Doesn't Kill You

When health is absent

Wisdom cannot reveal itself ,

Art cannot become manifest ,

Strength cannot be exerted ,

Wealth is useless and

Reason is powerless .

- Herophiles

I haven't really touched on a fundamental part of whom I am because I know that there will be a backlash from those who are stagnant in their world views , but I have been forced by my sense of responsibility to tell all of you how and why my life has been changed forever . I am alive today because 5 years ago I made the decision to do something drastic to fix my ailing self. I made the decision to forgo meat and dairy in favour of choosing to live and let others live . I went vegan .

I grew up in largely agricultural areas with the mom-and-pop kind of small farms around and it seemed to be acceptable to consume the corpses of the same animals we would watch grazing in the fields . Even in death , there was a gratitude to these creatures for their flesh that we had been conditioned to consume . There was a consciousness of the suffering endured when an animal would die and people took steps to ensure that the creatures died as painlessly as possible. I now know that this is not the way in which over 95% of the animals we consume for food are raised . But even as I came to the understanding that animals are tortured for mass consumption , I would ridicule vegetarians as extreme . I had actually been put off of the idea of forgoing flesh because of the alarmist and degrading actions of some members of animal-rights organizations like PETA . Their "Holocaust On Your Plate" series horrified me because of the images of humans being treated in a manner one would treat factory farmed animals . I was stuck in the old rural way where watching free-roaming animals provided me comfort from the horrors of my childhood . The concept of mass cruelty was a foreign concept. Even after mountains of evidence to the contrary , I still hit up the meat counter at the grocer .

I did not become vegetarian because of factory farming or even because of the relation between meat "production" and global hunger. I did so because I collect cook books and bought one by Dr. John cDougall in a thrift store and actually READ it fully . I have been in poor health since my teens and his personal story of triumph through diet weighed heavily . The good doctor may be a picture of perfect health at an age most of us would consider elderly , but he wasn't as a young person . Dr. McDougall very nearly never became a medical student - he had a massive stroke at age 18 due to eating a high-fat diet and had heart disease into his twenties . I was interested in the recipes for sure , but the health conditions treated and minimized by changing diet had a very personal interest to someone who was as arthritic as I .

I was still a skeptic so I decided to look into things further and discovered a mountain of evidence to support exactly what the doc was saying . I found numerous examples from the medical arena and discovered John Robbins , the chosen heir to the Baskin-Robbins ice cream empire who gave it all up because he kept watching his family members die from their dairy-rich d I had already removed some animal products from my diet and was noticing some physical changes , but "Diet For A New America" convinced me as to why this was happening and why our society is grotesquely unhealthy . The large pharmaceutical giants whom also produce the hormones and antibiotics given to factory-farmed animals do not want you to be healthier because it affects their bottom line . We have toddlers in diapers going into puberty and teens with coronary artery disease. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in my teens and my brother had a heart attack at 21 . These are all facts that no amount of denial can alter.

I went for the more gradual dietary change - first red meat and poultry , then dairy , then wild meat . I had become sick of the idea of ending the lives of others for my tastebuds and gave away the residual deer held in my freezer . Fish left , and finally eggs over a span of less than 2 months . And I have been given back my life . I have gone from walking assisted by a cane to working in one of the most physically demanding occupations imaginable . The pills I had required every time I ate have been gone from my home since I got rid of the "food" that was killing me . My cholesterol level is so low that it is scientifically impossible for my arteries to clog and have lost 60 pounds of fat from my frame . I am living proof that something that we don't generally think about can be the difference between life and death . And I am not alone . There is a diet that can put Lupus and cancer into remission , lengthen the lifespans of those with diabetes , hepatitis , asthma , HIV and Multiple Sclerosis to name a few , and reverse heart disease and osteoporosis . The question is whether or not you are brave enough to throw what you have been taught out the window in favour of living a truly fulfilled life. You already know that if you had to slit the throats of the cows that you call steak that you could not do it . The dead animals that you consume for a moment of joy exact their revenge by slowly and painfully killing you .

It's called karma , baby.

Sidenote : For those curious about the ad for "Earthlings" in the sidebar , I have provided the space free of charge . It's disturbing footage for most , but an interesting documentary worth checking out.

The Greatest Snack Food EVER

 This power food was intriduced to me by my maternal grandmother and it satisfies all of the typical snack elements - it's salty , crunchy , and kind of heavy - but the one thing that differs from all other munchies is that this one is GOOD FOR YOU . Don't tell your friends until after they start going insane . You've heard of Halvah and Turkish Delight , here's an age old snack from the southern end of the mediterranean .
Oh , and this is so easy a drunk roofer could do it , which is good because Garbanzos reduce the severity of hangovers.

My Grammo's Roasted Chick Pea Snack

Preheat oven to 225C (425ish Fahrenheit ) and get out a cookie sheet . I line mine with a silicone matt)

Take 1 can Garbanzo Beans (Chick Peas) , drain them and toss them in salt and Ras El Hanout (recipe to follow) or Seasoning Salt . Subsequent batches might require 5-10 cans depending on the crowd.

Spread evenly on the pan and bake for 15 minutes (until some crack open) on the MIDDLE rack , flipping half way through the process.

Turn off the oven and remove the beans 5-10 minutes later . Add more salt if you wish.

Prepare to fight with your friends over the bowl !

Nutritional mumbo-jumbo

Chick Peas are high in Tryptophan but nobody bitches like they do about turkey about the food coma . That's because it's caused by overindulgence and not Tryptophan . Don't worry your head because 1 cup of these beauties contains :

164% of your RDA Molybdenum (good for your teeth and liver , prevents cancer)

84.5% RDA Nanganese (essential trace element present in all of your cells)

70.5% RDA Folate ( neccessary for the production of all new cells , prevents neural tube defects , prevents red blood cell disorders in people of all ages , prevents heart disease , cerebrovascular disease , and cancer)

65.6% RDA Phenylalanine ( regulates neurotransmitters , norepinephrine , adrenaline and dopamine . Is a natural painkiller and mood stabilizer . People with PKU should avoid Garbanzos.)

50% RDA Dietary Fibre (prevents colon cancer , colitis , diabetes , and makes you lose weight and lowers cholesterol )

44% RDA Tryptophan (an essential amino acid that aids in protein synthesis and is the source of Serotonin . Tryptophan deficiency can cause suicidal depression.)

41.3% RDA Lysine (another essential amino acid . Builds muscle , ensymes , aids in calcium absorption , and is the building block of antibodies)

29% RDA Protein (we all know what this is)

27.6% RDA Phosphorous (Forms DNA and RNA , is a major component of all cellular membranes , hardens bones and teeth)

26.3% RDA Iron

EVERY Amino Acid including the aforementioned  , but very high levels of Cysteine (48.8% - a natural hangover remedy); Histidine (31%) ; Isoleucine (53.9% , cannot be synthesized) ; Leucine (40.7% , cannot be synthesized , builds muscle tissue and repairs your liver) ; Methionine (25.7% , cannot be synthesized but can conver itself to cysteine if need be) ; Threonine (43.6% , cannot be synthesized) ; Tyrosine (37% , regulates the same hormones and transmitters as phenylalanine as well as thyroid hormones , melanin , and pain . Is useful in treatment for cocaine withdrawal.) ; Valine (41.5% , cannot be synthesized)

All of these other essential vitamins and minerals and more : Copper (29%) ; Magnesium (19.6%) ; Zinc (16.7%) ; Potassium (13.6%) ; Thiamine (12.7% ) ; Vitamin B6 (11.5%) . Rich in Omega 6 fatty acids .

What I'm Eating Right Now

 I am having a midnight snack that most people would consider far too rich for their diets , but it's really just starch . Oh my word - Carbs! AhhhhI Everybody run!!!!!
  Seriously , everything you have been told about carbs is a LIE . Starches are the most important energy source for your body , and unless consumed in grotesque quantities , they won't make you gain weight . They also won't cause diabetes or any of the other bullshit you have been told . You could consume an extra half-cup of pure refined sugar daily and will not gain weight through de novo lipogenesis . You gain weight from FAT , which there is a bit in this dish , so if you are enjoying it at 1 A.M. and not a roofer don't go huge with the portion.

Name That Pasta

Sauce
In saucepot add 1 ounce tofu and 1 clove garlic , get the sizzle on with 1 tablespoon of margarine and add
1/2 a small courgette (zucchini)
10 snap peas , cut in half
1/2 cup chopped fresh spinach
1 teaspoon(ish) chives

Sizzle until you are content with the colour/texture and add

1 tablespoon of flour (preferably superfine) . This with the margarine is called a roux .
2 teaspoons horseradish (yes , this stuff is awesome )
1/4 cup water
1/4 cup almond or soy milk
salt and pepper
Reduce for 2-4 minutes and Mix the goo with  al dente pasta
If the semolina in the pasta doesn't bind the sauce , use a tablespoon of superfine (blending or gravy) flour.

Serve and prepare for a food coma